*
bandaged both of my legs, (luckily I bought more bandage, or I'd be screwed) I feel like Elizabeth Báthory since the water in the tub has never been this red before, and the iron smell is making me dizzy.
then I put on a smile, left the bathroom and fooled everyone.
also managed to convince mom to letting me stay thursday to sunday at a friend's place. someone who understands me, and leaves me alone when I need privacy, and with whom I can sit in silence with and she still understands everything I'm not saying. this is the one person I can't act infront, she sees through fucking everything and I love her for it.
.
I can't seem to be happy anymore, for whatever reason. I'm one hell of an actress, no?. I barely even listen to half of what people say to me, but I've perfected my knowledge of when to react to anything. or something like that. I mean, I'm fooling my mom into believeing that everything is fine and that everything is 'peachy', and still I sometimes fall asleep on the bathroom floor after crying about how fucked up my life is apart from my messed up legs. if I can fool her, then I can fool anyone.
I did spend the night at a friend's place, but it didn't make me feel any better and from where I'm standing, it was the perfect goodbye. I love them and all, but sometimes I need to be selfish and only think about myself. and rn what i need is to just get away. from everything and everyone. I know I only have like 3 weeks left in school, and that I don't have much to do, it's just that I don't have any motivation to do it, and I end up sitting and staring at my computer wondering why the fuck I am doing this.
I think I threw up like three times yesterday, since they made me eat so much. and the nightmares I had last night was no joke. woke up like 5 times, crying and sweating and idek. I need pills or whatever to sleep, but if I start, I won't be able to stop. or I'll take too many.
I have a essay due on tuesday, but my teacher is an angel and says that if I can't finish it in time, it's fine. so I'm just going to go back to crying over my useless existence and how I don't have the courage to end it all once and for all.
친구가 -.-
people are being nice to me, and I'm so scared. I know that I will end up hurt in the end, but being weak and all, I can't help but to think that maybe the mean it. but then I realize that they're humans, and I feel stupid for thinking that they are nice to me just for the sake of being nice. i hate myself for it. I seem to surround myself with people that makes it so easy for me to trust them, which always ends badly. or it always has.
I feel like I'm saying goodbye. I don't want to meet my friends, if I meet them, I will say goodbye, and one of these days, it will be forever. I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this, but I figured that if I stay away from my friends, then I can't leave, since I haven't said goodbye yet. well, that went well. now I've met them. which makes me think that, well, I have nothing more to do here. might as well just take the leap and get it over with.
I got new bandage for my legs. it was very much needed. I don't know where my other went. I'm afraid that mom has taken it, but I think that if she did, she would talk to me. it's quite bloody, and I don't have much to blame it on, since my period is so weird, I don't even know if I have it anymore. people are telling me to eat more, but I just can't. I stopped again. sort of. mom makes me eat. then I purge. (another reason for not wanting to meet people, they make me eat.) coffee is my drug and I'm constantly high, if that makes any sense. I'm sure it doesn't. I'm so tired I don't know what I'm writing. I downloaded some horror which I shall watch, I was told that these would scare anyone.. well, challenge accepted. come at me serial killers, you do not scare me.
BTOB realeased a new single, called Father. bitches has to choose that subject huh. just because EXO did Mama already. i really hate my babies sometimes, but the song is amazing. Ilhoon is flawless and Sungjae.. well, he's always adorable.
a good way to know when it's time for bed, is when my dash gets spammed with Onkey and other shippings I don't understand. when I wake up, everything is 2min again^_^
(I'm getting off topic)
잘자~~♪
.
I am almost ready to give up.
I don't know how long I have left in school, but it's not much, but I really can't. I can't do anything.
I made a list of the assignments I have left in all the subject, and it's not much, but I can't see the point it doing them. I don't even know if I want to graduate at all. I don't have the strength to work my way through this last month. I know that it would probably be better if I went to school and actually attended the lessons, but I don't see the point. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. nothing that I do will ever be good enough anyways and I'd rather not try than fail.
I don't want to live, but I don't want to die either. it would be such a blessing, but I think there are a few people that would be sad and I don't want to cause them that. i just want to disappear, like I've never existed, and everyone can just go on with their lives as usual. sucicide leaves a big mess and I don't want people to deal with it. when I cut, I always clean it up. the bathroom floor is spotless, due to me cleaning it all the time. but if I won't be alive to clean it, then who will. I don't want my mom to walk in and find me. I don't want anyone to do that. biggest reason: I don't want anyone to see me that weak. I am weak tho, no matter how strong people say I am for getting through this, I'm not. I can't handle it, and it shows on my legs and my eating habits. which have increased btw. I'm eating, because my body is used to that now, and I can't stop. I feel so bad and I'm crying over how much weight I've gained, but I can't help it. the person living in my brain is telling me that if I deserve it. it makes me feel like shit, and this person feeds of my panic and tears. Despair would be the best way to describe it. I see no way out.
ㅠ.ㅠ
I'm a pointless, waste-of-space nobody who doesn't deserve to live and all this because of an asshole who can't keep his hands to himself. Why the fuck do I even bother with life. Can everyone just fuck off so it gets easier to say goodbye. I don't want to leave but life is making it hard for me to hold on, and if I have less people that care then maybe I can finally let go.
-
Det är väldigt skrämmande, att en person kan, på en sekund, med en enda vidrörelse, förstöra en annans liv.
Att under den sekunden radera all hennes oskuldsfullhet, hennes tillit till människor.
My Own Hell.
My feelings for this song (and this band in general). it's like they took all my thoughts and made a song out of it.
I got into this really weird mood the other day. I left my friends since i didn't know how to handle it, and it was not the best time to be weird.
I can't really describe the feeling, I'm all empty and I feel nothing. but at the same time, there is a person inside my head screaming. it's like all my pain closed itself inside a small box, which was placed inside my head, and then a person was dropped into that box, and is now being skinned alive, which I've heard should be pretty painful.
I think my leg might be infected. I laughed for like 10minutes when I thought "I might have to cut down on my cutting." is it weird that I find that hilarious?
I can't really tell if I will get out of this mood in one piece, or even alive. I can usually predict for how long my downperiods will last, and then I get one or two days of happiness.
but now I can't see a way out. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, not even to live.
I keep dropping courses, cuz I can't handle the stress. and I will probably fail them all anyways. I have a month left, but I just can't do anything.
I can't concentrate on anything. I tried watching a movie with a singer a like as the lead role. this man is the equivalent of flawless and I love him and usually I can sit for hours and just stare at a picture of him but I couldn't even finish the movie. 10min into it I was so bored, and after half an hour I had to turn it off. It takes like a week for me to watch a movie, cuz I can't do anything for more than 10 minutes without getting restless and bored. except for sleeping. I can do that forever.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'm trying to distance myself from my friends and family, to make it less of a burden to them if I die. like, get out while you still can.
...
모든 사람이 떠나 때
...
같이 있어줘
...
영원히
I'm preparing for the worst.
I had a really bad panic attack yesterday, and I figured that today would be the same. But I can't feel anything. I'm completely numb.
A teacher said I looked like a zombie.
I don't know what to do.
Last time I felt like this, I ended up in a pool of blood.
I can't handle these kinds of emotions. I'd rather be miserable and cry all the time. Just as long as I feel something.
And I can keep on avoiding school, which is why I'm in class rn. I'm trying my best to keep from crying, but I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job.
My body has gotten used to getting food normally, seriously, I've been eating three meals aday this whole weekend. And now I'm so dizzy and tired, I couldn't sleep last night because of the anxiety I got from knowing that I've been eating. I can usually go atleast 36 hours without food before I start noticing the effects of it. Now it's only been 18 hours.
I just want to sleep.
~~~
I'm longing for that eternal rest, you know, the one that you never wake up from.
Just to sleep, without dreams of any sort, just darkness, forever.
it seems so alluring, and frightening at the same time.
who would care if I left?
who would cry?
who would wish that they'd helped when they could.
I don't think that I can handle this much longer.
I just want to lie down and cry myself to sleep, but I can't, mom can come in at any moment, and I can't let her see me like this.
weekend's events took a rather not nice turn, and we ended up remembering things we'd forgotten, burning old memories, and talking way too much about things that should'nt be talked about.
everything is a trigger these days, and I don't know how long I can keep this facade up.
ugh.
the smallest things make me freak out. I went with a few friends to try prom dresses (no I'm not going) today, and they wanted me to try something on, just because. and the lady who helps them turns to me, scans me and then says "are you a medium?"
first of all, how am I supposed to know if I never step on a scale, and I buy big clothes to hide my hideous body.
second. I need to diet.
DGNA are officially cleared from any suspicion of involvement in the CEO scandal case, which makes me really happy and all. but still if affects me so much. I threw up after reading about some evidence found in the ceo's office. it should not be affecting me this much. I need to just get over what happened five years ago, and move on with my life. but that's easier said than done -.-
I don't know what to do.
I just want to dissapear.
.
it's very hard to stay clean when life constantly gives you reasons not to.
I don't know how much longer I can handle this. it feels like I'm loosing my grip. like I'm holding on to a cliff, to not fall, and the edge is cracking.
and as much as I want to just let go, I'm hoping that someone will hear my cries for help and push me instead. I'm too much of a coward to do it alone.
I don't know how much longer I can hide this.
I don't even know anymore.
I'm completely lost. All I do is cry.
What I really want to do is to go wake up mom and to have her make all my problems go away. she used to be able to do that. but now everything is fucked up and no one can help me. ok. one can. the reaper.
I don't fear death. I haven't for a while. I always thought it was weird that I, since I was 13, was not scrared of anything but men. a few friends has commented on it as well. how I can watch any movie or walk alone at night or put my body through so much pain as I am. I am not scared. I'm testing my limits. if I die, I'll happily go. if I don't, I know I have to try harder.
I want to die. I don't want to live anymore. but I'm scared. I'm a fucking coward. I can't help but to think of my friends and how much I will miss them.
I don't trust people. at all. but I have two people that I can say that I can say that I trust to a certain extent. after all, they are all humans, which means that they are capable of anything. and I don't trust humans. but I trust and love them to that extent that I don't want to part from them.
I have three fully written suicide letters to one of them. I know exactly what songs to play and who will not be welcome to my funeral.
I just need courage. maybe I should go find the wizard of oz.
I don't even know what's real and what's not anymore.
I can't remember the last night when I did not have a nightmare. I wake up constantly, in panic and crying. and I can't remember what I dreamt about. I'm afraid to go to sleep, and it makes me stay up late, and it makes me sleepdeprived.
I can't do anything right. I'm a failiure at life, and I can't even be bothered to care.
I just want to disappear. like I've never existed.
ただいま。。。
After a few days of eating normally mostly because my wife forced me to, it's weird going back to my old eating habits. But I have to, since I just feel worse if I eat normally. My body has not gotten used to not eating much, and I want it to stay that way.
"my current weight is socially acceptable only among the walrus population"...
not that I've stepped on a weight scale for ages. makes me feel sick.
my leg is itching like crazy, but I'm trying not to touch it. it's deeper than I've ever cut before, and it's scaring me a bit. I couldn't even feel it. the blade just sank into my skin, no resistance or anything. but a lot of blood. it even bled through the bandage I put on it. it's fine now tho, but I'm guessing that it will take a very long time for it to heal.
I'm trying to keep away from the Master fandom until this drama is over. (I can't handle sexual abuse, in any form, and it's worse when people I love are involved. it's sick how one person can do so much harm, can destroy so many lives.)
but it's so hard. I feel like everytime I scroll through my music and end up on 대국남아 I die a little bit. or atleast I want to. my other music doesn't make me feel as happy as when I listen to DGNA, but now that I listen to them I just feel like crying.
if music is my life, and the reason I'm still alive, and music is taken away from me, then what should I do?
I'm not joking, if I hadn't been introduced to DGNA and Mika's amazing voice, I doubt that I would have been alive today. so what do I do now...?
~
Well this is fun.
I just told Magnus yesterday that I was fine and really happy. (Hello Magnus, if you're reading this, stop now^_^)
I arrived in Berlin, and this day has been great! Until now.
The CEO to the company that my favorite band is signed under was arrested for sexual harassment today, and I'm freaking out. It's extremely triggering for me to just hear about sexual abuse, since it's a very personal subject, but now it's atleast 6 victims, under Open World Entertainment, and girls. And I can imagine how Karam must feel (he's a part of my favorite band) since he has been through something like that before, and now his boss is arrested for it...
So yeah. Luckily we are at the hostel atm, so I could leave my friends to go and 'relieve' my anxiety and the panic I got when I heard the news. It's not much, only two cuts, but I found a few new really sharp razorblades this weekend, so I think it's pretty deep. I'm scared to look cuz it will trigger me to do it more.
I'm trying to eat while I'm here tho, and to not do anything too stupid. But, I've been clean for a while now, so I was expecting it. (not the reason tho, I did not see that coming..)
We're going out to dinner now. Will probably take a long shower and try to calm down.
~
Oh. Me and my future wife got engagement rings! Really cheap, but I kinda like them^_^
